02 Aug 2005

hypocritial hippos

you know what, i'm a hypocrite. and i know it. and to prevent me from being such a huge hypocrite, i try to constantly look at what i do from other people's perspective.

but what i've discovered is that i've totally ignored what my own opinions are. my world revolves around opinions that people near and far from me give me. i've been reduced to someone who just "goes with the flow" or the more pop-culture term, "what-eva!"

recently i've been in a position that i had to think for myself, as opposed to all the other situations that just needs me to sit around and wait for things to happen. only recently did i realise decisions that i made a long time ago were illogical and that any self-respecting logical person would think i was mad.

i just feel very uncomfortable making my own decisions especially when it affects others, makes others life more difficult. that is why my motto is always "suen la" (算啦). in english, it's roughly translated to "ignore it and it'll go away." every time a decision comes up, i put it off. and more and more these undecided decisions just pile up and you have to deal with it sooner or later.

now that i've dealt with it, i feel pretty bad because i've had to take the selfish road and do what is best for myself. i hope that maybe people i'm hurting or going to hurt will forgive me, or maybe they won't, and then maybe i'll be condemned to the depths of hell (if i believe such place exists.)

at least i know that windows spyware is the least of my problems in hell :) -- btw, what was the point of this post? ...

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